I had started buying tiny, pink outfits, I had searched for the perfect crib, the perfect stroller... everything.
I was totally prepared for being a mom (in a materialistic sense) but I had no clue what being a mom really, really meant.
I was me, Nadja. I was in control and knew what I wanted, when and how to get it. I worked hard and thought I had it all figured out.
Just a few months shy of turning 30 and happy to feel these tiny kicks and watch that little heartbeat on the monthly sonogram.
But a few months later, on October 22, 2004 I became a mom, a real mom to a real, little baby, and I was born new. I was made.
Over night, with some interesting hours of labor and clawing my husbands neck open, I became a mom.
10 years ago to this day I had no idea what motherhood was, what it means and how it changes you.
Life as we knew it ended with that first little cry.
The moment they put her on my chest, covered in blood and all kind of sticky stuff, that moment I lost my heart and was made anew.
I remember looking into my baby girl's eyes and I swear she looked into my soul and said "Hi. This is me. You are my mom now. You are going to love and protect me from this day forward until the moment you'll take your last breath." and all I could reply with was "YES I WILL!".
Fear doesn't even come close to describing the feeling I had when I looked at this tiny bundle, crying in my arms. I suddenly was responsible for another human being. The stroller, the type of car seat or what brand of diapers one would use didn't matter anymore. Nothing mattered anymore. Only she did.
Her every need had to be met instantly and the urge to protect and shelter her from harms way was stronger than the urge to take care of myself.
A new Nadja was born on that day and I thought life couldn't get any better from this point forward.
So I thought.
When I found out I was pregnant with my baby Lulu I instantly worried that I could never, ever love another human being the same way I loved my Lillie. It seemed impossible that my heart could hold more love. For the time of the entire pregnancy I worried about not being able to love another baby.
I even thought we should give Lulu up for adoption because surely some other person could love her more than I would.
And then there was another little cry and another little person was layer upon my chest.
I looked at her and she looked at me and into my soul and said "Hi. This is me. You are my mom now. You are going to love and protect me from this day forward until the moment you'll take your last breath." and all I could reply with was "YES I WILL!".
And so I was reborn again.
A mom of two. Two little babies to love and protect, two little human beings to be responsible for.
To my surprise I didn't have to give up half the love I had for L, I just doubled the amount of love my heart could hold and was perfectly able to love both of my baby girls the same, incredibly powerful way.
10 years I have been a mom now. 10 years of firsts in so, so many ways. 10 years of endless love and worry. Always worry. Every time one of my girls fails at something or has a problem I instantly feel I have failed them in some way. I did something wrong or didn't do something I should have.
I constantly worry about their future and if they'll be o.k.
I worry I do things wrong for them every, single day. I never feel like I am good enough for them, always wanting to do better and more.
10 years is a long time to worry. A very long time and its just the beginning.
But for the last 10 years I have found more joy in tiny, messy hands, sassy smiles, silly giggles, crazy dances, interesting stories, countless nightly visits, never-ending hugs, kisses and eyes filled with joy and excitement for life. One, sweet sleepy sigh from my Lulu or a big, fat kiss from my big L makes EVERYTHING else go away. Every worry and every fear disappears when I look into their bright and happy eyes.
Being a mom has been the best gift God has given me.
My greatest joy, most important role and my biggest challenge in life.
I learn every day something new and just when I feel like I have figured it out they turn around, change and I have to start learning, searching for new answers and new ways again.
It never stops.
The days and years fly by and I watch these little girls grow up right in front of my eyes, faster and faster. Sometimes I feel like they are too fast for me and I am having a hard time catching up to them. 10 years of motherhood can slow you down quite a bit.
But at the end of every day, just before I go to bed and think about all the things I need to do for them the next day, I walk up to them, tuck them in and whisper into their little souls "Hi. This is me. I am your mom. I'll always love and protect you until the moment I'll take my last breath."
For you are my light, my love and my light.
Written for my beloved Ls. Without you my life would be so empty, boring and meaningless to me.
You made me a mom and for that I will always be grateful to you.
This is me. I am your mom. I'll always love and protect you until the moment I'll take my last breath.
