Its been a LONG time since I was here!
I have been thinking about catching up on the blog for some time now but so much time has passed, I don't know where to start anymore.
So much has happened, so much has changed ... it feels like years have passed.
Life is good!
Its actually really good right now.
Teaching is done for the year and for next year. I can't believe I walked away from it.
I just can't!
The last two years I have lived and breathed this little art program of mine.
My days were so full of making and doing and prepping and all the while my family life got crazier and crazier.
It all was so good and so fun but it sucked the life out of me and my family, without me noticing.
But yesterday, in the car, I heard Lulu and L talking and L said "Mama loves us so much!" and Lulu said "Even more than art? No she loves art the most."
It just struck me and hurt me so deeply.
These two sentences were like a slap in the face. A wake-up call.
We came home, after a long drive back from the Pickup cabin where we had spent the long weekend, and I sat down and wrote my resignation email to our Principal and the PTA.
I had been back and forth with my decision to call it "quits" for some time now.
As much as I love it and I'll miss it, these two sentences just made it very clear to me that things HAVE to change. Not later but right now!
As soon as I had sent the email I felt this huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.
It was like I could breathe again.
I went into the Ls rooms and looked at them, sleeping soundly.
I covered them up, kissed them and told them "I am sorry!".
I am so sorry for missing out on so many moments. Moments I spent prepping, reading and setting up.
Moments I spent being stressed out and not checking their homework properly.
Moments spent heating up some store bought food and piling up laundry.
Moments spent rushing to school at 7:00 am instead of waking up the Ls and making breakfast for them.
It was good and fun but I don't want another "I wish I had" in my life.
I have too many already, way too many.
So I woke up this morning feeling like we started this year all over again.
There is a real need to make up for lost time.
I just want to live and breathe these girls and soak up these moments so I don't have to feel sorry for missing out ever again.
This year has been so crazy, busy, emotional and wild.
We loved and lost, fought and won, watched and smiled, stood beside and cried.
I know that seeing Deven's face, his smile, his eyes on FB was meant to be.
This boy came into our lives and everything changed.
Now not a day goes by that I don't think about him, think about his life and what it means to us.
I talk to his mom and I wish I could make her smile like she did in these pictures from a LONG time ago.
I wish I could mend her broken heart and bring back her light.
Watching this woman lose her baby boy had such a deep impact on me as a mother and a person.
I used to be so afraid of death but now I am not anymore.
It'll bring me closer to all those we lost while walking on this earth.
I used to complain about ordinary days instead of being grateful for them.
Ordinary days are good days.
Laughing, crying, jumping or laying down ... it's all part of life.
But life can turn on you in a second and all you are left with is memories.
You won't remember the house, what car, the furniture, if you got what you wanted but you'll remember spending time together, doing things together, learning, laughing, crying, being healthy or being ill.
So instead of wishing that I had taken more time, done this or done that I will go back to what's most important in life (for me that is), back to making memories with my girls.
I remember being L's age which means she is making memories for a lifetime now.
When I am gone I want her to remember these years as good ones, fun years with a mom that was there for her when she needed me and wanted me and the one that let her go when she was ready to.
But in order to let go I need to hold on a little while longer ... make memories with ME in them!
We need full immersion parenting!
She is such a big girl and her heart is twice the size of her body.
At open house the kids presented a cardboard city in her class. Every child made a box with a business of their choosing. L made "L's Happy Homeless Care".
When asked what she would do if she had three wishes her answer was "I would wish for Deven to be alive again.".
Ask her what she wants the most in this world "More time with Jay!".
She loves with her whole heart and thats what I love most about this girl.
The little one is just the icing on the cake.
No day is a boring day with Lulu by your side.
She'll dance and sing, she'll tell you all the stories of the world and she doesn't hold back.
She has her life planned, her boy (Nick) chosen and she has no doubts that life as SHE plans it will happen.
She is so smart and quick and will teach her Papa and me a whole lot about parenting :)
You little person, with that big, stubborn mind of yours and these tight, tight hugs and sweetest midnight sighs ... you are driving me crazy 50% of the time and I wouldn't have it any other way!
So it's done!
I am once again "just" a stay at home mom and I am so very happy for it!
We are restarting this year and count our blessings more instead of complain about the burdens.
It's all in our hands.
Everything happens for a reason ... EVERYTHING!
I am leaving this post with just a few pictures of our trip to Shaver Lake.
We have fallen in love with this place so deeply ... it's now our new refuge when things just go too crazy! Code word: Pickup means "I need to go NOW!"
More pics and a little "recap" of what has happened in the last few months is to come soon.
This will have to do for now ...
Welcome back to life Necklacklee :)
Oh how I have missed you!!!
