She tried to catch a raindrop without getting wet. To her aid, it's been a LONG time since we saw, smelled or felt rain. But never the less, our L is VERY special in so many ways <3
Wednesday, September 30, 2015
Special Child
She tried to catch a raindrop without getting wet. To her aid, it's been a LONG time since we saw, smelled or felt rain. But never the less, our L is VERY special in so many ways <3
Sweater Season
Thats what happens when your senile cat pees in your laundry basket full of freshly washed and folded clothes!
The "punishment" was a short victory since I was the one who had to rewash and fold and promptly put away everything in the basket.
She gets away with it because she is 17 and is allowed to have her senior moments...and because we LOVE her! Sweet Meow <3
The "punishment" was a short victory since I was the one who had to rewash and fold and promptly put away everything in the basket.
She gets away with it because she is 17 and is allowed to have her senior moments...and because we LOVE her! Sweet Meow <3
Tuesday, September 29, 2015
Trumpet Chronicles
Three weeks into Band she is playing by notes. The lovesick moose calls have now turned into Vikings War Horn calls :)
She loves it!!! I am pretty impressed with her practicing. We don't even have to ask her to practice.
We shall see :)
...and so it begins for L #2
Me: Lulu; dinner!
Lulu: Just a minute! I am doing gmail right now.
Me: :)
Monday, September 28, 2015
Dear Papa,
Today I stumbled upon this great, eyeopening, sad and very true article .
October is coming and with it comes my yearly reminder that I no longer have you, my Papa.
I have been doing well all throughout the year. The sadness is still there but it doesn't linger behind every move, every song that reminds me of you or every time I talk to mom. It's just there now and probably always will be. It's subtle, a constant companion who rarely speaks or makes himself known. But then comes October and he wakes up, stirs in my dreams and thoughts, triggers memories and so much more.
I had an assignment in my Buddhist class; for 7 days I had to say something nice, something I am grateful to you for, a happy memory. I had to write it down and say it out loud.
The beginning was hard. Super hard!
I was convinced I had no good memories, just anger and more anger but with every day that I searched (and I had to dig deep!) I found something. Something good, something happy, something to be grateful for. After a few days it got easier and good memories came back. After 7 days I felt closer to you than I had in years. It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.
For us suicide survivors (thats what they call you if a family member or friend commits suicide) the burden is heavy. We live with so many "what ifs...", "If I only..." and "why didn't I..."s and they never seem to go away.
I freak out every time the Ls play and wrap a scarf or anything around their neck. I won't allow a balloon in their room because I fear at night it'll drift somehow towards them and they end up strangled. They play on the tree house and I always have an eye out for that rope that works as their pully-system. And if I don't worry about them I fear that I'll end up like you. Robbed of my life by this terrible, cold, lonely darkness called depression that drove you to end your life.
So I end up laying in bed, hiding from the world worrying about all of that and meanwhile miss LIFE.
I waste my thoughts on the past or the future and I lose the present while doing so.
This article was a great reminder that life is now and needs to be celebrated every second!
Nothing else matters because we never know what tomorrow brings and yesterday is long gone.
In 20 years from now will I sit there and be thankful for all the days I spent hiding away, missing time with my loved ones? Will I be grateful for spending time in my bedroom, the curtains drawn close and my eyes forced shut? I think not. I'll be wishing for this lost time, added on, given back somehow.
Whatever time I missed with my you I need to make up for with my loves NOW.
Whatever anger still hides in my dreams and thoughts needs to be transformed into love for the now and today.
I know that my little hiding room has rather large powers over me and my mind but today I vow to fight back! I will not follow the call of the dark, cool room, hiding from the world and I will try my hardest and bestest to defy it's powerful magic. It's just an evil trick this magic. Meanwhile I miss so much of today.
Being sad, angry and depressed is hard work. It sucks the life out of you and it's tiresome.
It's time to wake up for me! I need to wake up for my family, for myself and for YOU!
I think you'd want me to smile and be everything you wanted to be but never could be. You would want me to feel happiness because thats what you wanted to be. All you ever wanted to be was happy. Good enough for this world, good enough for us. You wanted to be good enough to be happy.
And you were! Not they way you thought you should be and maybe not the way we wanted you to be but never the less you were! Good enough! You needed kindness and love the most when we had nothing left to give and our sight was clouded by anger, by the sharp sound of your harsh words and actions. You needed us and we couldn't give anymore, didn't see.
Today I am happy for you because you no longer have to suffer. I can not imagine how deep your darkness was.
My "grey days" are dark enough for me to scare the shit out of me. I am happy you are no longer scared. You are free!
And I hope you come back and find me and we can start new, finish what was left unfinished and be friends again. I know you'll find me.
Some day, some how, and when you do come I want you to see what happiness looks like. I want you to see it in my eyes and soul.
I'll be a better person. I'll be a free and happy person. I'll be a good mama and a good wife and I'll be present today and forget about yesterday and tomorrow. I'll be okay again!
...and when you come and find me I'll be waiting for you my dear Papa. Always! Come back and I'll be there for you. I'll be a better daughter and a better friend. I miss you! I miss hearing your hearty laugh, the smell of gasoline on your oily hands, your blue coverall and your black coffee with 3 spoons of sugar. I miss it all and I love you! I do! I am sorry I was too hurt and angry to show you. I am sorry! I can be better! Come back and I'll try harder. We are not done! We have business to finish! We need to hug, to hold and say "I love you!". We need to laugh and smile and be good together.
To a new start and a great tomorrow!
With much love, more than you ever knew,
-me
October is coming and with it comes my yearly reminder that I no longer have you, my Papa.
I have been doing well all throughout the year. The sadness is still there but it doesn't linger behind every move, every song that reminds me of you or every time I talk to mom. It's just there now and probably always will be. It's subtle, a constant companion who rarely speaks or makes himself known. But then comes October and he wakes up, stirs in my dreams and thoughts, triggers memories and so much more.
I had an assignment in my Buddhist class; for 7 days I had to say something nice, something I am grateful to you for, a happy memory. I had to write it down and say it out loud.
The beginning was hard. Super hard!
I was convinced I had no good memories, just anger and more anger but with every day that I searched (and I had to dig deep!) I found something. Something good, something happy, something to be grateful for. After a few days it got easier and good memories came back. After 7 days I felt closer to you than I had in years. It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.
For us suicide survivors (thats what they call you if a family member or friend commits suicide) the burden is heavy. We live with so many "what ifs...", "If I only..." and "why didn't I..."s and they never seem to go away.
I freak out every time the Ls play and wrap a scarf or anything around their neck. I won't allow a balloon in their room because I fear at night it'll drift somehow towards them and they end up strangled. They play on the tree house and I always have an eye out for that rope that works as their pully-system. And if I don't worry about them I fear that I'll end up like you. Robbed of my life by this terrible, cold, lonely darkness called depression that drove you to end your life.
So I end up laying in bed, hiding from the world worrying about all of that and meanwhile miss LIFE.
I waste my thoughts on the past or the future and I lose the present while doing so.
This article was a great reminder that life is now and needs to be celebrated every second!
Nothing else matters because we never know what tomorrow brings and yesterday is long gone.
In 20 years from now will I sit there and be thankful for all the days I spent hiding away, missing time with my loved ones? Will I be grateful for spending time in my bedroom, the curtains drawn close and my eyes forced shut? I think not. I'll be wishing for this lost time, added on, given back somehow.
Whatever time I missed with my you I need to make up for with my loves NOW.
Whatever anger still hides in my dreams and thoughts needs to be transformed into love for the now and today.
I know that my little hiding room has rather large powers over me and my mind but today I vow to fight back! I will not follow the call of the dark, cool room, hiding from the world and I will try my hardest and bestest to defy it's powerful magic. It's just an evil trick this magic. Meanwhile I miss so much of today.
Being sad, angry and depressed is hard work. It sucks the life out of you and it's tiresome.
It's time to wake up for me! I need to wake up for my family, for myself and for YOU!
I think you'd want me to smile and be everything you wanted to be but never could be. You would want me to feel happiness because thats what you wanted to be. All you ever wanted to be was happy. Good enough for this world, good enough for us. You wanted to be good enough to be happy.
And you were! Not they way you thought you should be and maybe not the way we wanted you to be but never the less you were! Good enough! You needed kindness and love the most when we had nothing left to give and our sight was clouded by anger, by the sharp sound of your harsh words and actions. You needed us and we couldn't give anymore, didn't see.
Today I am happy for you because you no longer have to suffer. I can not imagine how deep your darkness was.
My "grey days" are dark enough for me to scare the shit out of me. I am happy you are no longer scared. You are free!
And I hope you come back and find me and we can start new, finish what was left unfinished and be friends again. I know you'll find me.
Some day, some how, and when you do come I want you to see what happiness looks like. I want you to see it in my eyes and soul.
I'll be a better person. I'll be a free and happy person. I'll be a good mama and a good wife and I'll be present today and forget about yesterday and tomorrow. I'll be okay again!
...and when you come and find me I'll be waiting for you my dear Papa. Always! Come back and I'll be there for you. I'll be a better daughter and a better friend. I miss you! I miss hearing your hearty laugh, the smell of gasoline on your oily hands, your blue coverall and your black coffee with 3 spoons of sugar. I miss it all and I love you! I do! I am sorry I was too hurt and angry to show you. I am sorry! I can be better! Come back and I'll try harder. We are not done! We have business to finish! We need to hug, to hold and say "I love you!". We need to laugh and smile and be good together.
To a new start and a great tomorrow!
With much love, more than you ever knew,
-me
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