back in the neck of these woods...

Its been a long stroll away from this part of the online world (as you can see in the number of posts I have created thus far for 2014)!
However my rather recent departure from the FB world, induced by too much unwanted information and even more time spent reading this information instead of being in the real world, with my family, where I belong, is somewhat forcing me to return to my roots and start documenting more of our daily life here since I can't/don't want to share it in other ways.

My little 7 year old baby Lulu is snuggled tight beside me, sleeping and dreaming of "Stranger Danger". Whatever made me pull out this old cd is beyond me but the lesson learned today is that if you let your kids watch shows to educate them about strangers and the danger that can lurk behind them be prepared for them to never leave your sight, not wanting to sleep in their own bed, suddenly losing the ability to go to the bathroom on their own and never, ever wanting to leave the house again, ever! The question remains, what's better; having them scarred out of their minds or blissfully ignorant to the dangers of todays rotten society. Being a parent is rather difficult these days.
Common Core and all the changes in the educational system making me want to pull them out of school and home school them (knowing that I would totally suck at it is the only thing that stops me from doing exactly that). Reports over reports over more reports of school and college shootings fly in every day. One kid getting smashed by a dolphin statue while walking along Fisherman's Warf and the other gets lost, walking away from her parent's campsite, luckily to be found alive and well the next morning.
Since reading all of these news reports, and "this just in" and Urgent News, I have shut down all my news feeds, my FB account and all sources of disturbing outside information.
My poor mother brain and heart can not take any more bad news.
It's bad enough that I lose my mind trying to remember the "dirty dozen" and if I can buy regular or need to buy organic strawberries, but the fear of losing them to another idiot trying to make a point by shooting innocent people like prey, is getting the best of me.
In order to preserve some normalcy and sustain a rather innocent and happy life style I will attempt to  disconnect (which does not come easy, let me tell you!) from the bad news of the world and spend my days sewing blankets for Shelly the Otter, making pinafores for Lulu so she can help with hanging the laundry, make yoghurt and then watch my girls gobble it all up or sit on the hollywood swing, reading my book and watching my dogs run through the yard like wild animals ;)

Life can be so easy but it also can be very hard and depressing. At this point I'd rather be ignorant and less informed than more depressed and anxious about the end of the world.

So here is a recap of our last few days.
We just returned from a quick mini vacation at the Russian River, in celebration of Papa's Day of course .
We have been playing with the idea of getting a camper of some sort and decided to test drive one of the famous KOA camp grounds.
We rented a little cabin with a small kitchen and a BATHROOM (I am all for getting down and dirty, roughing it or whatever you want to call it but I do require a toilet bowl with proper plumbing and a clean shower stall to wash off the dirt from getting down and dirty :P
This little cabin served us nicely!

The Ls brought their scooters and raced down the hill next to the cabin (at least three times, thank GOD we brought the scooters!).

Friday was spent checking out the Red Woods nearby,

  meeting some friendly neighbors,

(NO, these friendly neighbors were not lave alive but belonged to a fellow who was getting ready to teach a class on "No trace left behind" in the wilderness, who was so kind to give us some very useful information and let us pose with his precious specimen of the local wildlife.)

Then off to the river we went.

The sun was hot, the water cool and everybody happy!

After saving for almost a year Lillie-Bean tested her spanking new stand up paddle board for the first time.

And I got to sit back and read into the day, dreaming of living with the wolves and planning to become a wildlife scientist in my next life, studying wolves of course!

The day ended with a nice supper at a local "hot spot" for the (somewhat elderly and interesting dressed ladies) with live music to rock out to.

Pat and his girls hit the dance floor, while I preceded to take pictures of them but really watched the older ladies rock out and get "hands-on" with the Russian River Gigolo.

Saturday was the highlight of the trip!
We hit the river with Soar, the Russian River Rafting provider.

Decked out with SPF 70, hats, glasses and water shoes, nothing could stop us!

L was the first to float down the river.

Followed by the other crazy one of the family.

Yes, THIS ONE!

Meanwhile Lulu and I tended to much more important things, like posing for pictures :P

Here is a shot of the back of the raft. Mr. I can steer you straight into the tree and his little off springs.

Team Deven, The Warrior ... always on board! <3

My boating buddies!

And here is a happy picture L took with her "spit out the picture camera" (aka Polaroid) that she got from Santa.

And after disconnecting from the online world I spent today sewing with my little Lulu while big L was at basketball camp (BOY will she be sore tomorrow!!!).

This is Lulu's creation. A doll for Shelly the Otter.

I took out my little sport to supper at Olive Garden and then she needed to get new shoes, since she is now becoming a basketball star (that and she now needs a size 6 1/2 instead of the size 5 shoes she has).

The folks on the next table were super crazy. The guy's kid constantly came over and kissed me and called me mommy :P

So here I am, in my bed, Lulu snug next to me, sighing her awesome sleepy sighs, writing my good-old blog again...hoping that this will be a new, old normal again.

To new beginnings and good, old habits!

On Mama's Day

10 years ago I was about 5 months pregnant with a little girl.
I had started buying tiny, pink outfits, I had searched for the perfect crib, the perfect stroller... everything.
I was totally prepared for being a mom (in a materialistic sense) but I had no clue what being a mom really, really meant.
I was me, Nadja. I was in control and knew what I wanted, when and how to get it. I worked hard and thought I had it all figured out.
Just a few months shy of turning 30 and happy to feel these tiny kicks and watch that little heartbeat on the monthly sonogram.
But a few months later, on October 22, 2004 I became a mom, a real mom to a real, little baby, and I was born new. I was made.
Over night, with some interesting hours of labor and clawing my husbands neck open, I became a mom.
10 years ago to this day I had no idea what motherhood was, what it means and how it changes you.
Life as we knew it ended with that first little cry.
The moment they put her on my chest, covered in blood and all kind of sticky stuff, that moment I lost my heart and was made anew.
I remember looking into my baby girl's eyes and I swear she looked into my soul and said "Hi. This is me. You are my mom now. You are going to love and protect me from this day forward until the moment you'll take your last breath." and all I could reply with was "YES I WILL!".
Fear doesn't even come close to describing the feeling I had when I looked at this tiny bundle, crying in my arms. I suddenly was responsible for another human being. The stroller, the type of car seat or what brand of diapers one would use didn't matter anymore. Nothing mattered anymore. Only she did.
Her every need had to be met instantly and the urge to protect and shelter her from harms way was stronger than the urge to take care of myself.
A new Nadja was born on that day and I thought life couldn't get any better from this point forward.
So I thought.
When I found out I was pregnant with my baby Lulu I instantly worried that I could never, ever love another human being the same way I loved my Lillie. It seemed impossible that my heart could hold more love. For the time of the entire pregnancy I worried about not being able to love another baby.
I even thought we should give Lulu up for adoption because surely some other person could love her more than I would.
And then there was another little cry and another little person was layer upon my chest.
I looked at her and she looked at me and into my soul and said "Hi. This is me. You are my mom now. You are going to love and protect me from this day forward until the moment you'll take your last breath." and all I could reply with was "YES I WILL!".
And so I was reborn again.
A mom of two. Two little babies to love and protect, two little human beings to be responsible for.
To my surprise I didn't have to give up half the love I had for L, I just doubled the amount of love my heart could hold and was perfectly able to love both of my baby girls the same, incredibly powerful way.
10 years I have been a mom now. 10 years of firsts in so, so many ways. 10 years of endless love and worry. Always worry. Every time one of my girls fails at something or has a problem I instantly feel  I have failed them in some way. I did something wrong or didn't do something I should have.
I constantly worry about their future and if they'll be o.k.
I worry I do things wrong for them every, single day. I never feel like I am good enough for them, always wanting to do better and more.
10 years is a long time to worry. A very long time and its just the beginning.
But for the last 10 years I have found more joy in tiny, messy hands, sassy smiles, silly giggles, crazy dances, interesting stories, countless nightly visits, never-ending hugs, kisses and eyes filled with joy and excitement for life. One, sweet sleepy sigh from my Lulu or a big, fat kiss from my big L makes EVERYTHING else go away. Every worry and every fear disappears when I look into their bright and happy eyes.
Being a mom has been the best gift God has given me.
My greatest joy, most important role and my biggest challenge in life.
I learn every day something new and just when I feel like I have figured it out they turn around, change and I have to start learning, searching for new answers and new ways again.
It never stops.
The days and years fly by and I watch these little girls grow up right in front of my eyes, faster and faster. Sometimes I feel like they are too fast for me and I am having a hard time catching up to them. 10 years of motherhood can slow you down quite a bit.
But at the end of every day, just before I go to bed and think about all the things I need to do for them the next day, I walk up to them, tuck them in and whisper into their little souls "Hi. This is me. I am your mom. I'll always love and protect you until the moment I'll take my last breath."

For you are my light, my love and my light.
Written for my beloved Ls. Without you my life would be so empty, boring and meaningless to me.
You made me a mom and for that I will always be grateful to you.
This is me. I am your mom. I'll always love and protect you until the moment I'll take my last breath.

Hello 2014!!!

You are looking mighty good to me!

I swore in December of last year that this new year would be better!
Last year sucked royally in so many different ways and I was pretty done with it.
I ended the year laying in bed with the worst flu while my girlies got to ski with GP and I didn't even get to see it :(
BUT since I got sick in 2013 I had decided it didn't count for 2014.
And, knock on wood, so far this year has surprised us with many good things.

Somebody recently asked me "Where are you going from here? What is your goal?" and it took me a long time to answer the question.
I am still not sure if I know the full answer myself but when I closed my eyes I saw this picture of calmness, time, the girls smiling and happy, white and clean space and me sitting in a quiet space crocheting and watching the girls dance while Pat was reading a book.
That doesn't sound like describing a goal or a direction to many but to me that vision is heaven!
No rushing off to school, classes or activities, homework to be done, worries about grades and reading levels, measuring up to the system and class mates, fitting in, eating wholesome, organic foods that are fair traded and humanely raised, home made, clean clothes washed with organic, biodegradable detergent, a chemical free cleaned house, clutter free and always presentable.
Happy dogs that get at least one walk a day, happy cats that get...food, that about sums up what makes my cats happy, happy, egg laying chickens with an impeccable coop, a nice vegetable garden, pesticide free of course, no dog poop on the lawn and flowers blooming everywhere.

The older I get the more I yearn for time to stand still.
Time to sit and relax.
I mean being able to sit down and pick up a book or some wool without having 100 things on my to-do-list that keep me from doing that.
When we go to the cabin or Yosemite I enjoy the art of doing nothing.
It stresses me out if Pat asked me what I want to do in the afternoon.
I just so love the fact that we can do anything without having to do 100 other things first.
It's ok to sit and watch the river, read, just take the dogs for a nice long walk, go hike.
Usually we get a unit with a kitchen so we can feed the girls at all hours of the day. These units have a small amount of dishes, just enough for 4 guests. I love it! There are no dishes piling up. You want a drink you better clean a cup to pour your juice.
We bring one bag of clothing for all four of us. 2 or 3 outfits for each. If it gets dirty we wash it, one load will clean it all.
The girls bring each one bag of toys plus their art materials.
No toys laying around, they play with what they have or better yet, they go outside and find leaves and sticks and play with those.

The easier life is, the less stressful it is.
Its easy to sit down and feel ok doing nothing, reading, writing, when you don't have 100 chores to be done, piles of clothes to wash, dishes to wash, meal cooking, house cleaning...
I rather hide in my bedroom and close my eyes so I don't see all the work and chores that need to be done. When I sleep I don't feel guilty about taking a break but if I sit consciously on the couch I feel like I have a stop watch in front of me, counting down the minutes I am wasting doing nothing.

A few weeks ago we all went to look at some brand new apartments across from Pat's work. The thought of downsizing to a smaller place (actually the place is 1500 square feet) with no yard, no messy garage, maintenance and a year around heated pool was very inviting, to say the least.
They even have a garbage shoot.
We then looked at some brand new town homes.
All these model homes were so spacious and CLEAN! White walls, clean floors (of course, they are model homes).
The price for these places is way, way beyond what we can or even more so want to spent on rent or mortgage but I still wanted to live in a place like that.
After some number crunching we decided it would be absolute insanity to spend so much money on living in a place, any place.
But I still wanted to live like this. So what to do?

So went back to work ... at it again.
Everybody looks at us like we are completely crazy (and maybe we are).
For us its sort of a no-brainer. We want to live in a nice place but can't afford to, so we turn the (for the area reasonably priced) house we rent into a place we love and feel less temporary.
Feel warm, feel at home.
We invest $1000 or a little more and that still is less (combined with our rent) than what we'd spend on the "dream places" we had looked at PER month.
The idea of having a clutter free, clean, white walls, nice floors house with less stuff and more room and time to relax is wonderful.
I want it so badly!

I started right after New Years.
I stacked away the Ls toys. They just have one box out right now (due to their room being reconstructed). They are so happy with this box. They have completely forgotten bout the other 100 toys they have...for the time being at least.
I cleared the closets and "down sized" the quantity of clothes for all of us (we still have too much but it's much better now).
I emptied my kitchen cupboards, took out all mismatched plates (which was all we had), all cups and glasses and donated or trashed it ALL. ALL OF IT!
I spent $40 on a 6 settings dish set. White and simple.
We have six smaller glasses and 6 tall ones, 6 cutlery settings and nothing else.
Ever since I downsized the kitchen it takes me all of 10 minutes to clean up. The dishes are either in the dishwasher or cupboard, there is not enough to stand around anymore.

Now we are on step 2 of the "Improvement Process".
We bought nice wood pergo that was still cheaper than carpet (which we would have had to put in when we leave this place since we ripped out the old, dirty carpet). Re-loving the existing hardwood floor would take A LOT of time, money and patience, none of which I have much left.
This new floor looks very nice and will help with insulation.
The room the Ls slept in (we call it the dungeon since its so dark) will turn into the family closet.
We'll just get wall-to-wall wardrobes and this will needly hide all clothes, jackets and whatever else needs a home.
We'll get some sort of portable guest bed to accommodate guests but it'll be out of the room if nobody is visiting.
The "sunroom", that add-on room that was built with no insulation and is a constant eye sore, even with the new floors we put in, will be turned into the mudroom.
A place to keep our coats, school bags, shoes, ext. The cats have their cat tree in there and the dogs have their food in here. Thats it. No tables or horizontal areas that can get cluttered up.
It'll keep the house free of coats on chairs, keys getting lost in the piles and give this room finally a purpose.

So far we eliminated 3 beds (replaced it with a new trundle bed for the Ls), 2 book shelves, 2 desks, a huge ottoman and I am NOT DONE yet!

I am on my way to the clutter free and (hopefully sometimes) clean  dream house.
The walls got new paint (white) and every brushstroke brings me more sense of accomplishment.
I feel like I want to paint myself white :)

Disclaimer, the bed underneath rolls out for sleeping :)

So call us crazy or insane (we are probably both) but it works for us and will make us happy (and help our landlord sell this old shack for a much better price ;)
We just settled on spending a few more years here (as long as our landlord doesn't kick us out or sells the place) so we better make the best out of it.

Pat loves being so close to his work and I love the fact that he can be home in matter of minutes, even if he has to go back later.
We can walk to school and have made quite a number of wonderful friends here in town.
I am happy to announce that I now work at the girls school as a paid art teacher 5 days a week for 3 hours a day, I run an extracurricular art class at another school AND I opened my own little business offering private art classes to elementary kids.
It's all falling into place now.
It took so many years to find my place but right now I feel like I won the lottery with all of these art classes, some extra money that I EARN (I haven't done that in a LONG time) and I still get to be a stay at home mom when the Ls get off school.
All I need is that clean and clutter free house and we'll work very hard on getting this completed ASAP.

And with this new cleaner, clutter free house I hope we'll have more time to sit and do nothing, play, dance, craft :) or just hold our loved ones ...

My girl Ginormica!
She doesn't lay eggs BUT she sure likes it when I hold her an stroke her near <3

So welcome 2014!
Show me all the good things you have in store for us!
I can't wait for it !!!

this old soup bowl...

...it's sitting right here on my desk, my inspiration I guess.
To any other person this looks like an ordinary, white soup bowl, Made in Italy, nice decor, nothing unusual or special about it.
To me however it is so much more than that.
This "ordinary" soup bowl is 10 years old! 10 YEARS!
We have used it as an everyday item for 10 years, it moved with us 5 times and has made it through the use of 2 little ones, now able to hold their own spoon and dip their own bread.

When we got this set of 4 soup bowls they were so nice and shiny. Oh so very special to me.
A dear friend gave them to us and every time we use them we think of him and remember how I used to admire his soup bowls and enjoy the dinners we had with him.

10 years ago these bowls were super new, no scratches and no chips.
The food we cooked was not as good then, we just started to cook together and we learned a lot from the burning and charring, the too salty, too thick or too thin.
Over the years the food got much, much better. Richer, more body, richer flavor.
The ingredients are now chosen more carful and the end product (almost ;) always ends up being better than the one before.
We found out when more salt was needed or less, more water or more coriander.
We learned to become good at cooking.

Now, these bowls are no longer shiny and new.
They have chips, scratches in the porcelain, they lost their bright, white color and they look like plain, "old" bowls now.

But they are still good! Still very good!
And the food has gotten so much better and nurtured us through so many ups and downs.
Hot soups on cold days, cool salads on hot days ... perfect for every season, weather and time.
These soup bowls have seen so much in these ten years.
They saw our first best four legged friend Willie come and join us and then leave us for doggy heaven, they greeted Eddie and said good bye to him, they greeted Budster and Fauna, they have held the fruits of our garden and fresh chicken eggs from the coop.
They fed me through two pregnancy cravings and these tired and sleepless nights that followed them.
They have seen the greatest joys and biggest heart aches.
They watched our Ls grow up into these beautiful, young ladies, full of joy and love.
The love of our lives! Our joy, our hopes and dreams lie with them.
They saw us lose a tiny heart, just ready to join this family and all the tears and sorrow that followed it.
They saw us at our best and happiest and at our worst and saddest.
They witnessed two people, two best friends, become one, become a family.

They traveled in moving boxes from Livermore to Tucson (corp. housing, rental, our dream home) just to get packed up into boxes again and move back to the Bay Area.

These bowls have seen A LOT!

When I look at them I can hardly believe that they are 10 years old. 10 years is a long time to eat out of  the same bowls. You eat when it tastes amazing and you eat when it tastes pretty bad.
Sometimes you don't feel like eating at all and sometimes you want to fill that bowl over and over again (all you can eat, all day).
Sometimes we might even have gotten tired of these old bowls but we still put them back into the cupboard, right where they belong.
Our cupboards would be empty and sad without these bowls.
Not the same.
Never the same!

Lots of words about some simple, old bowls hey ...
Except for the fact that these bowls were a wedding gift from GP Gene to us 10 years ago.
On December 7th, at 10:00 am in the morning, in Fremont in our Saint Anne's church, during our regular Sunday morning service, surrounded by our closest friends and family,
Pat and I promised to hold and to love each other for as long as we shall live.
10 years ago!

Little did we know what "...to hold and to love for as long as we shall live..." meant.
We are barely understanding the words now, let alone truly realizing what this promise really means.
All I can say is, WOW!
We have made it this far.
Through sun and rain, warm and cold, happy and sad and very, very sad.
Through sickness and health and through ups and downs.
Sometimes it was 50/50 and sometimes it was 90/10.
Our pastor told us that marriage is sometimes 90/10, one gives 10%, the other gives 90% and when I get very grumpy and slightly irritated (which almost NEVER happens :P ) one can hear Pat running through the house, whispering to himself "90/10 - 90/10" ... I kid you not!

Just as these bowls we were all nice and shiny 10 years ago.
Just like we learned to cook we learned to live and love.
We learned what it takes, what makes life better and what ruins the taste.
Some days life is full and rich and other days it is thin, runny and rather blah tasting.
But just like these bowls we still are here, with some scratches (more like wrinkles and stretch-marks), some chips (like the hair or the loss of thereof ;), not as white (more gray) but still good.
Still very, very good!

I look at this bowl on my desk and I wonder how it'll look in 10 years from now.
If we treat it with care and give it a good wash after every meal it should hold for another 10, 20, 30 years easily.
I hope it will not break. Ever!
But if it does, there is pretty good porcelain glue on the market these days that will glue it back together and keep it that way.
These bowls are made to last...and so are we!
Yes, so are we!

For all the times we were happy.
When we felt the kick of Lillie's little feet in my humongous belly for the first time.
When I screamed and told you I could not stop peeing and you calmly responded "Baby; I think your water just broke!"
When we saw this little person for the first time ever and we fell in love with her right then and there.
When I called you to tell you we had two, pink lines AGAIN and we watched that belly grow once more (and my butt too) ... and I am sorry I couldn't wait for you to come home to pee on these sticks. I just couldn't ... just like the Christmas gifts we opened 1 month early :P
For the time we signed our first mortgage papers and the time we signed the listing agreement for our dream house in Tucson.
For the times I felt so happy and great, on top of the world and for the times I was in a deep, dark hole, not able to crawl out without your help and constant care.
For the times you made me laugh driving by me in the morning and pretending to be the Pecker, almost making me crash the car.
For the times I spent waiting for you to come home from work, some days as late 1:00 am.
For calling me every day to tell me "I am leaving now!" just before you come home.
For days of doubt and worry and days of knowing just how right it is and feels.
For holding me in your arms when my Willie left us, when Dorkie left us.
For the night you carried me to bed after I had broken down in the bathroom, holding my belly knowing that this little person was not going to be a part of our family after all.
For holding me after I lost my dad and with it all the dreams and wishes I had about my relationship with him.
For all the good days and the bad days ...

I LOVE YOU!
I LOVE YOU!
I LOVE YOU!

More than I did 10 years ago.
More than I ever imagined I could love a man.
You are my constant companion and best friend.
You know me better than I know myself and you love me just the way I am, even if I drive you crazy, rip out a bathroom, a kitchen and the entire carpet of our rental house while you are at work and then tell you "fix it" when you come walking in after work.
I love you for working so hard every day, harder and harder to make money so I can stay home and be a mom, mess up the house with glitter and glue, drag home chickens and dog after dog.
I love you for every time you want to snap back at me but then you never do.
I love you for not ever having yelled at me or spoken to me in an angry voice. Ever!
I love you for the Goalie you are, the way you can rollerblade backwards and skate better than I could ever walk.
I love you for being the most wonderful father to my Ls and for wanting nothing but the best for them, putting their needs and mine ALWAYS ahead of yours.
I love you for giving me the Ls. We MADE them! AMAZING!
I love you for letting me be the person I am, never asking me to change and always supporting me...no matter how crazy my ideas or wishes are.
I love you for loving the mountains as much as I do and for dreaming of Bora Bora with me.
I love you for driving this old, beat up, half-dead car (I am pretty sure animals live in it) so I can drive the Ls in the nice and awesome 4Runner.
I love you for being able to fix ANYTHING and build what ever I want.
I love you for your never ending patience and your kind heart.
I love you for the boy you were when we met and for the man you have become.
I love you for being always so good to us. Always!

I don't know where I'd be if it wouldn't have been for this sarcastic email and the big blisters on my feet on our first date...I know I wouldn't be here, with you and my girls and everything that comes with (furry, feathery, old and new :).

Happy 10 years of happily ever after my wonderful husband.
May the next 10 bring more reasons to smile and to be happy about and less to be sad about.
No matter how many cracks and chips we get, may we always find the right glue to keep this "old soup bowl"of ours together...forever!

With love,
Your wife