My Wish, for you, my sweet, sweet baby, ...

   

"My Wish"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xz32I_GbpeU

I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,

And each road leads you where you want to go,

And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,

I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.

And if one door opens to another door closed,

I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,

If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

But more than anything, more than anything,

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,

Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,

You never need to carry more than you can hold,

And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,

I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,

Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,

All the ones who love you, in the place you left,

I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,

And you help somebody every chance you get,

Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,

And you always give more than you take.

But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything,

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,

Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,

You never need to carry more than you can hold,

And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,

I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,

Yeah, this, is my wish.

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,

Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,

You never need to carry more than you can hold,

And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,

I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,

Yeah, this, is my wish.

This is my wish

I hope you know somebody loves you

May all your dreams stay big

by Rascal Flatts

The Return of the Blog

Its been a LONG time since I was here!

I have been thinking about catching up on the blog for some time now but so much time has passed, I don't know where to start anymore.

So much has happened, so much has changed ... it feels like years have passed.

Life is good!

Its actually really good right now.

Teaching is done for the year and for next year. I can't believe I walked away from it.

I just can't!

The last two years I have lived and breathed this little art program of mine.

My days were so full of making and doing and prepping and all the while my family life got crazier and crazier.

It all was so good and so fun but it sucked the life out of me and my family, without me noticing.

But yesterday, in the car, I heard Lulu and L talking and L said "Mama loves us so much!" and Lulu said "Even more than art? No she loves art the most."

It just struck me and hurt me so deeply.

These two sentences were like a slap in the face. A wake-up call.

We came home, after a long drive back from the Pickup cabin where we had spent the long weekend, and I sat down and wrote my resignation email to our Principal and the PTA.

I had been back and forth with my decision to call it "quits" for some time now.

As much as I love it and I'll miss it, these two sentences just made it very clear to me that things HAVE to change. Not later but right now!

As soon as I had sent the email I felt this huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.

It was like I could breathe again.

I went into the Ls rooms and looked at them, sleeping soundly.

I covered them up, kissed them and told them "I am sorry!". 

I am so sorry for missing out on so many moments. Moments I spent prepping, reading and setting up.

Moments I spent being stressed out and not checking their homework properly. 

Moments spent heating up some store bought food and piling up laundry.

Moments spent rushing to school at 7:00 am instead of waking up the Ls and making breakfast for them.

It was good and fun but I don't want another "I wish I had" in my life.

I have too many already, way too many.

So I woke up this morning feeling like we started this year all over again.

There is a real need to make up for lost time. 

I just want to live and breathe these girls and soak up these moments so I don't have to feel sorry for missing out ever again.

This year has been so crazy, busy, emotional and wild.

We loved and lost, fought and won, watched and smiled, stood beside and cried.

I know that seeing Deven's face, his smile, his eyes on FB was meant to be.

This boy came into our lives and everything changed.

Now not a day goes by that I don't think about him, think about his life and what it means to us.

I talk to his mom and I wish I could make her smile like she did in these pictures from a LONG time ago.

I wish I could mend her broken heart and bring back her light.

Watching this woman lose her baby boy had such a deep impact on me as a mother and a person.

I used to be so afraid of death but now I am not anymore.

It'll bring me closer to all those we lost while walking on this earth.

I used to complain about ordinary days instead of being grateful for them. 

Ordinary days are good days.

Laughing, crying, jumping or laying down ... it's all part of life.

But life can turn on you in a second and all you are left with is memories.

You won't remember the house, what car, the furniture, if you got what you wanted but you'll remember spending time together, doing things together, learning, laughing, crying, being healthy or being ill. 

So instead of wishing that I had taken more time, done this or done that I will go back to what's most important in life (for me that is), back to making memories with my girls.

I remember being L's age which means she is making memories for a lifetime now. 

When I am gone I want her to remember these years as good ones, fun years with a mom that was there for her when she needed me and wanted me and the one that let her go when she was ready to.

But in order to let go I need to hold on a little while longer ... make memories with ME in them!

We need full immersion parenting! 

She is such a big girl and her heart is twice the size of her body.

At open house the kids presented a cardboard city in her class. Every child made a box with a business of their choosing. L made "L's Happy Homeless Care".

When asked what she would do if she had three wishes her answer was "I would wish for Deven to be alive again.".

Ask her what she wants the most in this world "More time with Jay!".

She loves with her whole heart and thats what I love most about this girl. 

The little one is just the icing on the cake.

No day is a boring day with Lulu by your side.

She'll dance and sing, she'll tell you all the stories of the world and she doesn't hold back.

She has her life planned, her boy (Nick) chosen and she has no doubts that life as SHE plans it will happen.

She is so smart and quick and will teach her Papa and me a whole lot about parenting :)

You little person, with that big, stubborn mind of yours and these tight, tight hugs and sweetest midnight sighs ... you are driving me crazy 50% of the time and I wouldn't have it any other way!

So it's done!

I am once again "just" a stay at home mom and I am so very happy for it!

We are restarting this year and count our blessings more instead of complain about the burdens.

It's all in our hands.

Everything happens for a reason ... EVERYTHING!

I am leaving this post with just a few pictures of our trip to Shaver Lake.

We have fallen in love with this place so deeply ... it's now our new refuge when things just go too crazy! Code word: Pickup means "I need to go NOW!"

More pics and a little "recap" of what has happened in the last few months is to come soon.

This will have to do for now ...

Welcome back to life Necklacklee :)

Oh how I have missed you!!!

letter for Angie

My beloved mama; 

I won't be there tomorrow to give you your birthday hug and kiss and to help you eat the cake so I thought I'd send you a quick note from heaven to wish you a happy birthday and to tell you this:

I know you worry and you wonder how I am.

On the day that I left you I was fully aware of what was going on around me. 

You and everybody else looked so frightened. I wish you could have known that I was no longer in pain-I wish I could have told you.

I was extremely aware of every detail, but I couldn't physically feel anything-anything, that is, except a release and a level of freedom I've never known before.

It's incredible! I feel so free and light!

I have never felt this good!

There are no more tubes, no more needles.

I can move around freely now without any help! And my breathing is no longer labored-it is amazing!

I feel no attachment to my lifeless body. It don't feel as though it is mine. It looks far too small to have housed what I am experiencing. I feel free, liberated and magnificent. Every pain, ache, sadness and sorrow are gone! 

I feel completely unencumbered. I can't recall feeling this way before-not ever.

It is as I have been a prisoner in my own body for the past 15 years as my heart disease and the cancer ravaged my physical form, and at last I am released.

I am tasting freedom for the first time.

All I can say is that I feel a sense of freedom and liberation that I'd never experienced in my physical life before.

I can only describe this as the combination of a sense of joy mixed with a generous sprinkling of jubilation and happiness. It stems from being released of sick and dying body, a feeling of jubilant emancipation from all the pain that my illness has caused me. What I can only describe as superb and glorious unconditional love surrounds me, wrapping me tight as I continue to let go. The term unconditional love really doesn't do justice to the feeling, as these words have been overused to the point of having lost their intensity. But the physical battle I fought for so very long has finally released its strong hold on me, and I have a beautiful experience of freedom now.

I don't feel as though I have physically gone somewhere else - it is more as though I have awaken. My soul is finally realizing its true magnificence. And in doing so, it has expanded beyond my body and its physical world.

It extends further and further outward until it encompasses not only this existence, but continues to expand into another realm that is beyond time and space.

Love, joy, ecstasy, and awe pour into me, and engulf me. 

I am swallowed up and enveloped in more love than I ever knew existed. I feel more free and alive than I ever have.

Unqualified and nonjudgemental ... it is totally undiscriminating, as if I didn't have to do anything to deserve it, not do I need to prove myself to earn it.

To my amazement, I am aware of the presence of Boppa, and it brings me an unbelievable level of comfort to sense him with me.

"I am here, my boy, and I've always been here-for you and your whole family! Boppa told me.  Star is here too! I feel what I can only describe as excitement as their presence envelops me like a warm embrace, and I am comforted!

The universe makes sense! I realize. 

I finally understand-I know why I had cancer! 

I comprehend why I have come into this life in the first place - I know my true purpose.

I am overwhelmed by the realization that God isn't a being, but a state of being ... and I am now that state of being.

I also realize that I'm not who I've always thought I was: Here I am without body, race, culture, religion or beliefs ... yet I continue to exist! I don't feel reduced or smaller in any way. On the contrary, I haven't felt this huge, this powerful, or this all-encompassing. WOW, I've never, ever felt this way!

Here I am, without my body or any of my physical traits, yet my pure essence continues to exist, and it is not a reduction of my whole self.

I fact, I feel far greater and more intense and expansive than my physical being-magnificent, in fact.

I feel eternal as if I have always existed and will always without beginning or end.

You see I am good, I am great, I am well!

I know your heart aches to hear and to feel mine, so when the it gets dark and sadness and sorrow are slowly filling your hear just reach out your hand, I will hold it, I will hold you, forever! I AM EVERYWHERE!

I love you from here to the moon and back ... and MORE! I win!!

I am everywhere, surrounding you, loving you. I am your light...just look up, I am here!

And always will be.

Until the day we meet again, and then we will be one for eternity. 

You and me, one, forever!

Now go and eat a piece of cake for me and smile, it's the day you were born and without you I wouldn't have been born. Celebrate YOU because I am part of you!

I AM HERE! ALWAYS!

I AM GOOD!

I LOVE YOU!

Your Bubba

P.S.

PLEASE make sure Alex is turning off her curling iron! It's driving me nuts that I can't do this anymore. 

And when you leave the house and you are in the care ready to go, please get out and walk back to the house to make sure it's locked. You know how I feel about that!

Tell Peyton and Kemo that baby is here with me, sooo sweet! Looks just like Kemo.

Love the new big belly Bubba girl ... but boy she is a bully! She looks like a tank :)

I love you mom!
Give my love to everybody and tell them I AM GOOD and WE WILL be united for eternity!

(I'd like to give credit for these wonderful words to Anita Moorjani and her book "Dying to be me" ... I used here words to change them into mine. She has been where I am and obviously she is much better at describing this place than I am :)

the true hero

I am sitting here at my computer and have finally logged into my blog, for the first time this year!
I have never taken such a LONG break from recording our lives.

Christmas and New Years have passed, January passed and we are completing the last days of February.

What made me return to my "old ways" is the need to record these last few weeks.
These weeks were long, filled with hard work, lots of driving and "doing" but mostly with deep gratitude for life and health and the opportunity to DO SOMETHING meaningful, something GOOD for somebody else.

The first time I saw a picture of him, saw his awesome smile and his crazy hat, my heart just fell for this young lad.
15 years young and a life story to tell longer than many adult stories.
A Warrior fighting the biggest fight of all, the hardest and the most trying.

This boy that we don't know, never met or spoke to, moved into our house and into our hearts on a quiet afternoon.

L was complaining that this was "the worst day of my life" while I was reading a friend's FB post.
I read it out loud to Lillie because I wanted her to know what it means to have "the worst day of your life".
I read to her that this boy's mom spends $50 a day just to eat so she could sit by his bed side, hold his hand and watch him endure all these procedures, the pain and be frightened.

She was very quiet after I read this to her and told her how hard some people's life truly is.
Having to read one more chapter in a "Magic Tree House" was nothing compared to what this Warrior Boy was going through.
L thought for a long time and then said "I can make pictures and sell them to make money for his mom"
and this is how it ALL began, on this quiet afternoon, January 26, 2013 ...

Today is February 26, 2013 and much has changed since that afternoon.
What started as a "sale of hand drawn pictures", which surely would have been a big hit, turned into a HUGE Fundraiser Yard Sale, with over 200 people (guessing) stopping by, Storm Troopers, Clone Troopers as well as Jedi directing traffic and many, many wonderful friends helping us raise money for this wonderful Warrior Boy and his Warrior Mom (& family).

We stopped counting at $4200 ... with funds continuing to pour in, either via the Fundraiser site or envelopes stuffed with bills, pushed into my hand while passing by.
People have been SO GOOD and KIND and it took our family a few days to come down from this happy-cloud that we were on.

I wish I could describe how it felt to deposit this huge amount of money (it's a lot for us, believe me!) into Deven's account.
Ever since my heart fell for this Warrior Boy I wished that I could do something for him.
Sending notes and posting comments is great, it shows compassion and care BUT it doesn't help.
Not even this huge amount of money helps him.
It doesn't make his cancer disappear, it doesn't buy a cure and it doesn't buy him one day of being a regular teenager, driving his mom crazy asking for the car keys or to go out on a date.
But the money we raised helped him and his mom in the sense that she can sit there, hold his hand, read to him or just watch him breathe (I know that's what I would be doing).
It helped US feel good.
It helped us feel like we could make a difference and do more than just telling her "Keep your head up. All will be good!"

I keep thinking about what one could say to this Warrior Boy and his mom to make it better?
Nothing!
Not one word will ease the pain, flatten the road or bring up their hopes.
His fight lays in the hands of doctors, poison that enters his body to kill the beast (but it also kills the boy) and as I read today, it's a little bit of luck too.
Wishes and support are nice and sometimes all one has to fall back on but being able to help in some tiny way makes me feel ... well it feels good!

But I can't help but feel rather selfish.
I get to feel good and we get praise and have articles written, people hug us and tell us "how great we are" but truly, we did it to make ourselves feel better.
This "act of true kindness for a stranger" was a very selfish act if you look at it from  my perspective.
We get the praise and the thank you but this boy, this wonderful Warrior Boy, gets to fight the same fight, he still feels as crappy as before, possibly more and all these hugs are not reaching him.

All I want to do is to go to him and hold his face in my hands and tell him "You are healthy, go home, be free!"and to tell his mom "It's over! He is ok! Breathe!" but I can't do that.
So with all this glory and "success" comes a very sad feeling as well.

So you see it's quite a roller coaster ride for us.

Lillie is pretty cool about it.
She has worked very hard, not without complaining some times but she is only 8 and has the right to do that while we keep pushing her into the (hopefully) right direction.
I keep looking at her with this great sense of calm and pride.
My daughter, my baby girl, my Sunshine (as we called her for her first12 months of life), my Tom Boy started all of this.

Her heart is as big as her feet are (I can almost wear her shoes ... they are HUGE :)
Since she was a itty person she cared for others ... sometimes bossed them around but that too is a strength (leadership skills :) and today I look at her and I know that with all the mistakes Pat and I have made raising these two little people we must have done something right.
We are very blessed in so many, many ways!
We are blessed with these amazing Ls in our lives, that are the joy of everything and will always be for us.

Before L went to sleep last Saturday she looked at me and said "you are right mom, giving does feel better than receiving".
And you know what? This is the first time I truly understood this saying myself.

If I had one wish for my kids I would wish for health!
Love comes from within, hopefully they will always know that they are loved and feel it.
Money comes with success, which comes with hard work ... this they can do on their own.
Health is the one thing that we can not buy or achieve on our own.

If I had another wish, I'd wish to win the lottery so I could give our Warrior Boy whatever is needed to heal and ease the road he and his family are traveling.

Deven Leonis, the true hero of this story!

and merry we will be

So here we are, December 22, 2012, in Milpitas, in our house ...

NOT like we had planned.

We SHOULD be in Arnold, up in the mountains, in a wonderful time share condo, white Christmas, skiing, making snowmen and having snowball fights.

I / we have dreamed about this trip since last Christmas and it was perfectly planned and arranged BUT THEN this  happened ...

Two bulging discs that apply sweet pressure onto my spinal cord which in return rewards me with wonderful sensations of throbbing pain, inflamed muscles and a very grumpy, tired and sad mood.

And with that all changed ...

We have two sad, little Ls, who can't have their promised white Christmas, an overloaded Papa who instantly became a one-man-show last week and has had to be a full time working dad, chauffeur, school play coach, lunch maker, cook, housekeeper ...

And this all while I "get to sit" here and watch it all. 

Not a move is allowed and not really possible anyways.

I traded in my new ski boots for a neck brace, cortisone and vicodine.

Not how we had planned it at all.

But while I am sitting here, sobbing and feeling sorry for myself, I must remind myself that we are all together, all happy and healthy (in terms of severity this may be painful but it can be fixed and it WILL get better).

We have a warm place to call our home, clothes and food and we even get to spend Christmas with our best Buddy (his first Christmas!!!), the cats and of course the chickens (never forget the chickens!).

                                        

In the light of last weeks awful shooting massacre, 20 empty little beds, 27 families broken, shattered, left in pieces and tears we are very lucky to spend this Christmas together (even if heavily medicated!).

There are much worse things in this world than my "pain in the neck".

The CZ gang is in the living room, folding laundry, singing Christmas songs while Lulu puts everybody's undies away :)

The Ls have been shuffled from house to house and friend to friend for all of last week.

All our kind friends came together to help Pat carry the load of single-parenting.

Thank you to all of you!

Your kindness and thoughtfulness is so very much appreciated!

In times like this we are missing our families very much!

... but we have good fill-ins that take care of our little ones, feed them, keep them busy and make them feel so loved and cared for.

While we have been running from Urgent Care to Chiropractor, from MRI's to Pharmacies we not once had to worry about the Ls.

They were WELL taken care off!

THANK YOU dear friends!!!

The Ls and I had arranged for a little photo shoot with the very wonderful and talented Mr. Jason, a local photographer.

This is our gift to Pat for Christmas.

I love each and every singe shot and it'll take us a while to decide which ones we'll print for display.

They are ALL so awesome and picture my Ls just the way they are.

Their smiles, their outfits (they decided what to wear) and their poses ... all was left up to them and the result is that we captured some very precious moments forever.

With these pictures (click on the link below) we wish you a Merry Christmas, a wonderful holiday season and a wonderful, happy and healthy 2013.

May God keep you safe and well and may you know that we love you and care for you deeply!

Happiness, health and everything you are wishing for, from our hearts to yours!

... thoughts on a wednesday afternoon.

The Ls are out, swim class with Papa, Budster is at day care and the house looks ... like always,
but for some reason I am not feeling up to task (again) and after reading this article about the meaning of giving and materialism of this season I just stopped and started thinking (again).

Yesterday over at SouleMama I read her post about making merry and family traditions, about not commercializing the whole season and that what they will remember is not what they got but what we did ... or as my friend SunInn calls it "Full Immersion Parenting".

Then my thoughts traveled 12 months back when we spent the best xmas this family has ever had away from people, malls, big parties and away from TV, computers, no phone reception and no time keeping.
This last Christmas has been my happy thought for 12 months now and I still keep going back there when things get to hectic and stressful here, in the real world.

Ask my kids what they remember and they'll tell you "reading "the Lion in the Box" with Papa, tea parties with the whole family, sledding, skiing and making the biggest ice ornament ever.
They will not mention the Barbie, well maybe the Barbie (Lulu does love this crap!), but definitely not the Star Wars toy that hasn't left it's toy bin in months.
$100 that could have been saved and spent one another night at Sorenson's or another get away with the family.

Three weeks ago we spent three days in Yosemite, right after Thanksgiving.
We just wanted to get away. Have some time.
We drove there, all stressed and grumpy, there was fighting in the back seat and silence treatment in the front seat.
After spending three days away from the city and it's lights we came back, happy, laughing and much less tense in the shoulders and neck.

There was time to read ...

Time to relax in the HUGE spa tub...

There were channels (after watching the infomercial for the Ninja cooker the Ls insist we buy it since it can cook anything ... there is your sign!) ...

Time for line-ups ...

Time for sister love instead of back seat fights ...

Time to smile instead of death-ray-looks ...

Time to breathe ...

To pose ...

Time to work your muscles ...

Dance in the leaves ...

Just look ...

Time to climb up a water fall ...

Work even harder on your muscles ...

Time to stop and watch in silence ...

Time to put on your cape ...

Time to watch your shadows ...

Time to see in color ...

be in awe ...

Time to wear your cape NAKED!

Time to tickle...
(I do avoid nudity shots in my posts BUT this one had to be posted, for the pure look on my husband's face, laughing his canadian butt off while "spa-ing" with his Ls).

Time to pose ...

Time to fly ...

Tatatatahhhh ....

Time to jump ....

Time to dream ...

  ... and swaddle yourself.

Time for secret messages ...

Time to look up into the blue sky ...

Enjoy the scenery ...

... and never getting tired of its beauty!

This time of the year tends to get so hectic and chaotic.
There are people to see, places to go, things to do ... always something and since its only once a year one MUST do it all! No skipping, no failing.
But then one ends up tired and cranky and everybody else feels the same.

This is NOT what this time of year is all about!
Not at all!

And I tell you, I am a HUGE hypocrite, because we do it too!
Run from here to there, get this and that.
For crying out loud we are only 4 people and this is the stack of xmas CRAP that is in my garage ...

See the PILE of boxes in the back?!
Its insane!
I AM INSANE!!!
What the heck am I doing???

And I did try not to go overboard and not to get too much.
I am preaching it for crying out loud but then there is a sale on craft sets here, a dress for a certain doll that some young lady wished for, a game that looks OH SO fun and, and, and ...

Pat bought a new iPad for the family for xmas today (now this one I approve of, since I get to write posts for my blog from the couch or the hotel room or wherever I am and hopefully this will help me get back into recording our lives much better than I have in the last months/year.)

Plus there is still stuff that hasn't arrived yet.
I read my beloved SouleMama's blog yesterday ...

(something that I haven't done in a long time but due to my newly acquired Arthritis virus I had to stop teaching for a little while until my hands function again without me crunching my teeth in pain and my body can stay awake for more than 2 hours)

... and it started crawling up my spine and when I read the article about "Ditch the stuff" it finally reached my brain.

And here I am sitting, a garage full of STUFF to make sure my kids are extra, super-du-duper happy, way too much money spent and we haven't even left for the cabin trip yet.

Last weekend Pat went skiing with some buddies (some much needed boys time) and the Ls and I had the weekend to ourselves.
We wore PJ's for most of the Sunday, finally made our Gingies and celebrated the 2nd of Advent the way it ought to be celebrated.
We finished the Sunday with going to the BEST Live Nativity Scene I have EVER seen.
We had SO MUCH FUN and I heard the Ls saying "this is the BEST day ever!" over and over again.
We didn't go shopping, they didn't get presents and we had all day to just play.

So simple!
So easy!

Now back to my garage ... I am thinking that all that stuff in these boxes will NOT do what I thought it would.
It will satisfy for a moment, maybe a week or a month but in the long run it will be forgotten, like the Barbie and the star Wars toy from last year.
Laying in a toy bin, played with once in a while ... maybe.

So it has to go back.
YES IT DOES!!!
Not all of it but MOST/ A LOT of it.
And what can't go back will go on the shelf, waiting for a proper moment or a friend's b-day.

And to prove it to me and whoever cares I will interview the family and ask what was the best part of last years xmas and the year before.

And the rest of the 1 1/2 weeks until D-Day will be spent enjoying this most wonderful season of all, finally starting and finishing the handmade gifts I had planned since ... forever, baking and eating cookies, reading xmas books and having fun with Hyder :)

I suck for having given into the commercialism of the season (once again, despite all of my proclamations and dreams of being NOT like this) but I hope I can mend what I have (almost) broken, undo what can be undone and save what can be saved.

Big words, plans and promises for a Wednesday afternoon but holy smokes it hit me like a wall of bricks today ... NO MORE of this!

Its time for the Solstice book and it's wisdom to remind me (us) of what is most precious at this time, really all the time.
For my little Ls will not be little for much longer and the times we spend crafting at the kitchen-table will soon be memories.
So I shall go and soak up every second of these precious moments and while doing so I will learn what matters most, LOVE, FAMILY, HEALTH and FRIENDSHIP!
None of which can be bought, for any amount of money!

Happy thoughts like these (Xmas 2011) ... are priceless!

We are richer than we thought! Aren't we?!

... my thoughts on a Wednesday afternoon.

Addendum @ 8:41 pm

After interviewing the Ls this is what was said:

L LOVED the cabin,

setting up her legos in the hiding space

and Christmas dinner.

Lulu LOVED the cabin,

the tea parties (I knew it!) and

playing with Lillie.

Point made and proven.

And off to the garage I go ...time to pack up all that STUFF and make room and time for MUCH better and more important things!