3:30 PM and the house is quiet ...

Today is kind of an off-day for me ... it's 3:30 pm, I just had my morning latte and ate half a bowl of home made puffed rice chocolate. 

Doesn't sound like any of the post I have ver written, does it ...

The last two weeks have been a bit stressful for us. 

The Ls have hit the wall of summer time boredom, they fight, they are cranky, they are bored with each other and most of all they are bored with me. 

I go to bed at night feeling like a failure because nothing I do, no place I take them, no craft I do with them seems to change this even in the smallest way. 

In addition L is suffering from a good case of "First Grade Jitters".

That should not be a big surprise since she always gets very nervous when a new, big step in life comes upon her. 

But seeing her fall apart at 8:30 pm for no apparent reason, breaking out in rivers of tears and telling me "WHAT IF the teacher is mean, the kids are mean, they won't like me, I can't do the math ..." breaks my heart over and over. 

My BIG L looks like such a strong girl. 

She is so powerful that other soccer players just bounce off of her when she runs by, so fast that she can out swim an 8 year old and so pretty that you can't take your eyes off of her when she sits on her swing, singing songs quietly to her self.

She reads books by herself now and can operate the iPad better than me.

She asked for a "Life Saver" :) and to watch Harry Potter and we jump to the occasion because it's so cool and something new for all of us. 

She is a Tom Boy at heart and holds her place with all of her little boy friends.

And yet she is as fragile as a little flower when it comes to her BIG heart and her BIG personality.

She takes things to heart and worries so much about everything. 
She is a big L with an even BIGGER heart.

As much as she can compete with the boys, has fun with her Jay and can keep up with her hiking leader Liam, as fearful is she when it comes to holding her place with the GIRLS, making it work with the 'In-Girls" of Kindergarten and being one of them in class, a group or a play date. 

She is very worried about what they think of her and how they see her, no matter how often we tell her that "it matters who you are on the inside and not on the outside and of they can't see that, its their loss". 

That all makes sense at my kitchen table but loses it's weight when in class. 

She is so worried that she can't enjoy the summer and the freedom right in front of her.

And my Lulu, my little STRONG child is right there with her.

Pre-School is awaiting her on 08/30 and she wants NOTHING to do with it.

We send her to Little Gym" once a week with L, for a 3 hours summer camp and every time I drive there to pick them up I pray that "this time please let her smile and tell me she had fun" but my prayers are unanswered because as soon as I walk into the facility I see my little Lulu standing outside the class room, sad faced and teary eyed or she is hiding in some corner of the class room, waiting for me to release her from "this awful place called FUN".

Not once has she answered my question "Did you have fun?" with a big and happy "Yes"  even thought L assures me that she smiles and plays with kids when I am gone.

For some reason she refuses to let me know that she is OK without me. 

She is three times the size of her BIG sister when it comes to will-power and stamina. 

This "little" L of mine has the whole world in her hands and she knows it!

She is smart as they come, she writes her name, knows her alphabet, her numbers and started to add already. 

It all comes form hanging out with L and from being taught by her and by sitting in on our summer-school lessons, I am sure, BUT her little brain just sucks it all up and keeps it for good. 

Yesterday she copied a ballerina picture by herself from one of my art books. Step by step she followed instructions and ...

She blows my mind all the time and I know that there is a LOT in this littler person, a lot of smarts, brains and with it a LOT of stubbornness.

This little L of mine is teaching us that parenthood is not black and white and that one method will work just fine for one child but may not at all work for the other. 

She gives the BEST, tightest hugs and can tell you the most fantastic stories you have ver heard. 

Her world is a dream right now and she lives it and breathes it like nobody else.

She has so much imagination, she created her own little lila world full with princesses and knights and Barbies and Ballerinas. 

She wants so badly to keep up with her big sister and her big sister wants so badly to be left alone by her little sister.

L is asking more and more for space and privacy and for the longest time I refused to let her have it since I thought they need to be together to build a strong bond between them. 

Only now do I realize that I started driving a wedge between them by pushing, expecting and demanding that L includes Lulu in everything, that sisters come first and that they belong together no matter what. 

These "actions" can not be demanded, they need to come naturally and on their own terms , they can not be "dictated" by me.

When Lulu stands before a closed door behind which L is playing in trance with Jay I freeze and rip that door open,  push Lulu in and request that she will be included.

The result is that this door is slammed shut minutes later by a crying Lulu who just destroyed the entire "Great Lego-Wall of China" and all the "Lego Billy Goats" of the universe and behind it I now have two VERY upset 7 year olds who are enraged that this intruder just demolished the fruits of their hour-long labor and now have to rebuild everything all over again. 
And who is to blame? 
I am of course. 

Yes, this is my summer.

By the time the Ls are in bed (now around 9-ish or even later) I just sink into my red comfy chair and feel nothing but defeat and failure. 

There is no more time or energy left for creative blogging and happy retelling of fun adventures. 

I wanted so badly to give them the summer of their life" and had all these plans for summer school, swim sessions, outings and searches for the best ... park, play ground, indoor activity ... but at the end of the day they go to bed with tears in their eyes ... and sometimes I do too.

This is my job and my purpose and I take it so serious, maybe a bit too serious. 

I used to manage a group of people, meeting quotas and exceeding them.

I built something that had never existed and LOVED every second of it. 
I was good at it (at least I hope/think I was).

Now I have no office, no work schedule, no rules to follow and no quota. 
I also don't have the feeling of achievement I had when I did meet my quota, when we did what everyone thought wasn't possible and we kicked ass big time. 

The pad on the shoulder from the Company owner, the lunch invitations, the invitation to join selected managers to attend focus groups, to be asked for input by other managers and leaders, the hug from my Director when things went really well and the look of approval in her eyes when we had an awesome month - it all felt SO good.

The paycheck was nice and we needed it but the rewards and the feeling of accomplishment were what I really thrived by.

When I see my Lulu outside closed door, her sad face after I pick her up from day camp and her sad face when she tells me "she is bored" I don't have the smallest sense of accomplishment. 

When L goes to bed in tears, when she lays on the couch worrying about Grade 1, when she answers "No, I just want to stay home!" to my question "Want to go to the beach?" I realize that meeting quotas, playing with numbers and managing adults is much easier than this .... this motherhood thing.

I read:

"The act of mothering ... caring for, teaching, and nurturing, emboldens us with confidence, contentment and purpose. "

and I wonder where my confidence has gone and makes me question my purpose over and over.

I read:

" I looked on child rearing not only as a work of love and duty but as a profession that demanded the best that I could bring to it" - Rose Kennedy

and realize that this profession, my profession of being a mother, is more demanding than anything I have ever encountered.

I wish I would be back in one of the conference rooms at headquarters, discussing numbers and strategies, trying to find the right approach or working on a presentation to 200 people who are mostly older, mostly very successful, mostly way more experienced in their line of work than I ever was or would be.
I traveled from here to there with my laptop in tow telling people how to do their work, work that I had never done, showing them the know-how behind my program and convinced them that my way would indeed work ... if they'd only try.

I had so much confidence then and now I question myself when I can't explain the difference between weeks and months to L, or when I fail to explain that Milpitas is here and Tucson is there, two states, one country and she just looks at me and says "Is there a Milpitas in Tucson?"

I lost a lot of my confidence in the last few weeks and it shows.
And this is how I ended up eating breakfast at 3:30 pm, while the house is quiet, no sound, no calls for help, no screams, no fights, no tears, no begging, no pleading, no ... anything really.

I had a dentist appointment early this morning, came home and was told to "take the day off".
I went into the bedroom and closed the door and did not reappear until ... 3:30.

Pat saw the anguish in my eyes, noted the sad mood and the lost look when I saw the play room destroyed again, no room to walk and no way for anybody to locate anything they would be looking for.

I needed a "time out", a moment to recharge and to reflect on whats important because sometimes you lose sight of that. ..

I should be on top of it since this is my job, my profession, I should have it all under control, have two happy and satisfied children, a clean house, a well balanced diet for everyone planned out for weeks ahead, a stocked fridge and pantry and neatly folded laundry IN the right spot in every bodies closets.

But what I really have is laundry baskets full with unfolded laundry in the hall way, loads of unwashed laundry, I stumble over toys which are scattered all though the house, I stand in front of an empty fridge and having no clue what to make for supper AND I have two unhappy children.

I read:

"Of all the rights of women, the greatest is to be a mother." - Lin Yutang

and when I look at my house and my teary eyed Ls I wonder ...

This post almost screams "mama needs happy-pills" ;) but really all I need is to see a little sparkle in my girls eyes again, the thirst for excitement and adventure and the giggles and smiles that come with it.
I could care less about the rest, the laundry, the fridge and the planned meals (sorry Pat ;) as long as I can see their happy faces and feel the rewards and satisfaction that comes with it.

L went off to sleep over at Js house, something that we have been doing for a few weeks now.
I am sure, even with closed eyes, she is smiling and has this sparkle right now ... so close to her Jay (probably laying half across him, smacking him in the face with her hands while she rolls allover, hogs the blankets and snores in his ears.)
His mom just sent me this up-date:

"They are like a chemical reaction for happiness. I can feel how complete they are when they are with one another. Everything is as it should be."

So one is taken care of for the moment. 

The little one gets a sleep over with us, she should be happy too (for the moment).
And I had some quiet time to get this all off my mind, draft it down and spill it all out.
Getting it out makes it feel better, easier and somehow dealt with ... in some form at least.
So for now I feel better too.

We'll make it till Tuesday, when help is arriving at SFO in the afternoon, with a Canadian passport, big hugs and an abundance of patience and love for these two little girls.

GP will make it all better!

I won't be needed much, it'll be"GP play a game with me." "GP sit next to me!", "GP take me to the park!", "GP read me a story" ... and he will do it all and more with a smile, gladly happy to oblige to the all of their wishes and demands.

This GP of ours is a good one! We are lucky! Very lucky!
Last week at "Day Camp" we ran into a parent of Ls old Kiga class and this mother told me that he son still talks about the classes GP taught to Ls class when he was here last time.
This is the third parent of Ls class who told me that and I beam every time with pride and joy when I hear it.

My Ls are lucky to have him, his love, wisdom, care and patience.

He is a constant in their lives like we are.
GM is there too, don't get me wrong, but she is still bound to strict holiday and work schedules and can't fly in on a minutes notice like he can.
Her presence is missed and we envy little C and baby A for having the luxury of being so close to her.
Omi is hours and hours of flight time away and has so much on her plate that visiting has become almost impossible. As much as we want our families to be involved and to be known by the Ls ... it's hard when you come from so different parts of the world, far away from what we call home at the moment.

But GP will come and with him bring laughter and smiles, snuggles on the couch, snuggles at bed time, book readings (there is no better narrator than GP CZ ... even Pat and I will end up listening to his stories), there will be ice cream and soda and everything else that comes with a GP.

And life in the CZ household will be good, happy again.
I just now it ... there will be giggles again in this house. Gosh darned THERE WILL BE!!!

Editor's Note:
The author of this blog needs to know that she is the most loved and admired person in this household.  It is mommy who is needed when a boo-boo needs mending.  It is mommy who is needed when nightmares wake up little ones at night.  She is the rock, the pillar, the keystone of this family and loved by all who are in it.  We love you!!!!